not sure

can i grow as a person

and still remain me

is life stolen or does it remain free

we see a future there may be no future there

there is if you make it

remain true to yourself don't give in to the wrong

bad things consume us....

given

If we were given it all like this new generation is

Everyone would be spoiled not just the new ones

Kids think they know so much

But know nothing

Texting takes place of conversation

Everything is impersonal

Nothing is secret and pure

Noone confides in their neighbors anymore because of this crazy world we live in

Grown adults won't even confide in their grown adult kids

Me Me Me

Thats all we are teaching this new generation

I remember the feelings of safety that came along with the world when I was a kid

Yes bads things happened and I was in the mind of a child but the bad things that happen now have to do with the whole world, not just a neighborhood....

outdoors

Peace

Tranquil

The river brings sustanance yet its broken from what is used to be

Beauty flows down river

Along with the current

That carries ducks and fish away

Looking down the river carries more than ducks and fish

It carries tranquility, memories, wishes, desires...

While looking down the river those thoughts flow seemlessly

Peace flows down river

Peace is not in plastic improvement, nor in larger endowments

It is in the flowing river and the chirping bird

The green grass and the stamping herd

The ebb of the horizon

Is also the ebb of our existence

Tranquility will not come through endless pairs of shoes, shiny cars, and pockets overflowing

It will not

It will come though the cemetery at night

While the shadows of animals are mistaken for spirits

Tranquility is attainable through the shell on the beach

It has floated a million miles to get to someone's feet

The bird and the whale all wish to live free

If they can't? Why should we?

Silhouettes of mocking birds,

Tigers and leopards charging their score

these things to view and admire can bring tranquility

Viewing nature is at a loss

Noone cares about the white horse riding in the distance

Noone cares for the little toad...hopping over sticks and through streams....

The children do,

and they know that we all once loved these things.

life is just life

I realize that life is never going to be perfect,

When I was younger I thought that one day life would fall into place,

And become perfect,

But I see that life is not that way,

Life is just life,

It's raw and unforgiving at times,

But we still move on,

It's great and wonderful at times,

But just as when it is raw and unforgiving, we move on,

There is no stopping for good or bad,

Moving on means accepting things as they are,

We have to accept things that happen whether they are forgiving or unforgiving,

Life goes on,

Society will never be perfect and life will never be perfect,

It could be perfectly flawed but never flawlessly perfect,

Nothing can ever be flawlessly perfect,

Moving on means

man and his thoughts

The day was dark and furious but there was a serene feeling deep inside the hole of Serena. No way could the day have started anymore oddly beautiful. Tiny drops of dew lay along the window, sliding down as the day began with a ferocious thunder. She wondered if she would see him today as every other day. Perched on the wall off of 5th Avenue just staring at people and trying to figure them out. One day he had actually jumped off to observe someone a little closer and he almost scared the woman who was walking by with her child. This man was not offensive looking in his khaki shorts, and yellow t shirt that said "save the bees" yet he had a weirdness about him that made her scared to ask him what she had always wanted to ask him.

For some reason she knew deep inside that if she spoke with this man that he would no doubt end up being some kind of serial stalker. He was so interesting. Maybe it was the spontaneity that he showed as he caressed peoples facial profiles with his eyes and wondered whether or not they cared that he was staring at them. Serena built up the nerve to approach him on this thunderous day and ask him what he was trying to see in others? Was it his life's goal to sit here atop this perch of superiority or maybe he felt the perch was one of reflection and unattachment from the norm? Either way she had to know and on her way to work when she turned the corner onto his street he wasn't there.

For some reasons deep in her gut she felt panic start to form. As she walked by the spot where he stared into people's souls she spotted a small piece of paper lying on the concrete stub: The perch. She read the paper and then she looked around her as if she knew he was there staring at her from a distance. She stuffed the paper into her pocket and continued on her way to work.

To be continued...

the abandoned part of me

perceptions of reality

are jaded

messed up

blurred

I see one thing and turn it into something else

I think too much

too much thought

perceptions are turned around

before the thought even enters my mind

it comes from the past

There is a line

That was crossed

Long ago

and there is no going back

from here

The perceptions I perceive play tricks on me

and I see what the abandoned part of me lets me see.

relationship conondrums

     I don't really know why but it seems that I ruin every single relationship I have been in. Or I am cutting the other person way too much slack and taking on all the relationship failure to myself. I can't pinpoint where I go from the fun sexy girlfriend to the mousy-oh baby I need you, girlfriend. It's weird and I am getting sick of it. I am so big on being the kind of gf that a man wants, not being a bitch, not nagging him every second-but here I go--completely ruining my relationship because I can't suck it the fuck up and get out of his ass. There is not much of a reason except maybe my "daddy issues". My need for male attention and my habit of falling all in love when I don't even really know the person I am becoming attached to. Which therefore, means it is not love.
     I set no requirements or expectations. I let myself become a complete relationship hostage because I don't allow myself to worry about the most important person--myself. I worry too much about my significant other and this pushes him away. I honestly do not think he really likes me now that we had a baby and he started working all day again. Maybe I was spoiled when he didn't work and now I am just being a spoiled brat about it. I could be completely overreacting in my assumptions that he can't stand me or thinking that he doesn't want to be here.
     I get that he is not emotional and is a "comes as he is guy", a free spirit--a can't hold him down kind of guy. I knew this when I first met him and he hasn't really become much different. Just less wanting to be with me and more time claiming he is working. Which seems excessive and things don't add up at all. Am I a complete moron who fails to see the signs I am being played, or am I actually just depressed and insecure? It's pretty much a blur and if I have ever learned anything in life it is that my gut instincts are usually right. I have been burned (haven't we all?), I have been a fool in a relationship.
     My mind is so indecisive that it drives me nuts. Maybe I can't withstand the pressure of being alone with a baby all the time. With no adults to speak to. Maybe I just want one hour of time without a phone call or text getting in the way. Maybe I want some compromise when it comes to discussing US and what is going on. We were just starting to connect and then bam!: I got pregnant. What could be more life changing than that shit? Right?
     If I said I wasn't scared i'd be lying but I am also capable and so is he. I am not innocent in life either and I know that. I have done things I regret. A lot of things! ugh..but now here I sit--doing it all right and still not feeling complete. Still not feeling how I should feel right now. I don't feel wanted, loved, or anything except by my children and maybe that is the big secret. They love my unconditionally. How can I be almost 30 and still so insecure about what should be a mature relationship? How can one woman hold so much pain from what has been done to her over her life that it comes out as a basis to never have a real relationship in her life?
     I would love to able to answer those questions. I would love to be able to understand what the fuck is going on in my head. It is causing this situation to come to a head before it even starts. Along with a man that is emotionally unavailable. Not a good combo. Without even fantasizing about what could be I know what will possibly be. That is the scary part. No matter what I have to continue to make a life for myself without relying on someone else. I need to contribute. If I contribute than I get to make decisions. and then the question will be-Will he be open to that?-Or will it be too much.

never been in love

I just realized
I have never been in love
I have never felt the true love of a man who loves me
dedicated 50/50 love
never felt it and I fear I never will
there is a void inside me that needs this feeling
this love feeling
I have had physical love
physical attraction
good sex, physical attraction,
I just have never felt love in the mind
In my body
I have felt love on my skin,
But never deep within it
where love goes.

wounds

wounds do not have to be made in the flesh, sometimes they can be made in the heart,

in the soul,

wounds can be made by ourselves

or they can be made by others words and actions,

wounds, bleeding, open, sore,

swim throughout

slithering into my mind, to remind me that I am human

wounds can be made by sadness

and can be made by memories

Even if the one with the knife doesn't see acknowledge the blood.

apprehensive world

Is the world apprehensive?

To accept the new order,

Where citizens do not stand back and take the corporate slaughter

that our parents were accepting,

They bought and bought and bought,

No questions asked,

Times were good,

So they could buy what they wanted,

borrow, borrow, borrow,

no consequences,

until now

our parents made this world materialistic,

truly not knowing what was to come,

They did not know that our economy is/was an onslaught of failure,

Or that it would become so,

Did they?

Is the world going to see this and open their eyes?

You educated us all!!

now we are told to close our eyes?

Shame on your corporate government!

Shame on your fake lobbyists!,

Your business allies.

The Idea of my Belief

I am deeply rooted in what I believe,
Just as you are rooted in yours,
I can back up my belief with stories and granduer,
Just as you can yours,
I can seize my beliefs and live in them and devote myself,
I can live my life based on its teachings,
I can sit in the pew of devotion and see without your direction,
I can see on my own,
I know what I know just as you do,
I believe what I know that much more.

I have been thinking again...oh no!

The last couple of years have been really eye opening for me. I have noticed so much that I almost wish I could just drop everything I have been working on for 6 years and move onto a different stage in my life. I feel incomplte not doing more. More with myself. I feel I have a greater purpose. I know I have a purpose as a mother and a sister and daughter granddaughter and all that but I am talking about the greater purpose that describes people's lives that did more and made the world notice things they never would have noticed before. I have been frustrated by the same issues Occupy Wall Street is frustrated with but now frustration has turned to anger and anger to rage, and rage to pure disobedience to every norm we are taught to follow. There has not been an uprising in this nation since who knows when. I even tried to just look it up and all I got on Google was results of Arab Spring and the protests in Libya, Egypt, Syria and so forth. Pretty interesting huh?? I put in when was the last uprising in US History and those are the results I got. Oh and slave uprising was another result.
This country has always been for the rich if you think about it. The working poor have been fighting against rules and laws that oppress them for hundreds of years but that is not even unique at all to the United States. Great Britian, now United Kingdom, France, everywhere, Europe, Africa, and Asia, all over the world. The United States ranks 24th out of 30 industrialized nations in our students academic skills. 37th ranking in our health care system, link below:
http://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMp0910064
The very entity, which is education, that will ensure the progress of our nation in every way is the very entity that will be gripped by corporate greed. Instead of our schools being run by school districts, corporations will come in and make our schools run by businesses then in turn that will create more poverty because when a corporation runs an institution, nothing is free so they will start charging us for every little thing we need to ensure our child is educated. There is an issue in every single inner city school in this nation and that is the lack of commitment and lack of dealing with the issues outside of the school that will ensure that it stay in the condition that it is in. Lack of decent teachers, lack of funding, lack of parental involvement, lack of commitment from staff and administrators, the list goes on and on.
Every institution serves a purpose, and I believe the idea of these institutions in this nation were invented to serve one population and one population only. That is the wealthy, white-European, population. It has always been that way. There have been presidents whom came from a modest background and Senators who are completely dedicated to their job as a representative of their country and their community but corporate involvement economically and fundamentally in the government is the core of the problem in our modern day.

how are we going to cover this?

oh my gosh did you see the news,
How are they going to cover this?
Pointing fingers and playing games,
The corporate media is the best source of news right?
They are thinking now "How are we going to cover this?"
I tell you how,
They will demonize.
They will say we are crazy,
They will say we are just trying to get people worked up,
There is no true ruling class right?
They will become scared and say anything,
Fox News will definitely say that OWS is silly, it is a nonsensical entity that will die off soon,
Isn't it crazy what happens when people are allowed to learn?
Education has provided for this movement,
Education has created the minds that occupy this movement,
Everything else is silly now,
There is no going back,
Finally every nation will see we will not accept it either!
We will not sit back as we have for decades,
Is it too late to change?
People have beheaded kings, ousted governments throughout history,
The people have become the object for change,
Th commercials teach our children what to want,
The tv teaches our kids how they should act,
The news tells us what to think about society,
The media is thinking how are we going to cover this?
"Let's cover the people getting arrested so everyone can see how crazy these protesters are"
Instead of showing the livestream of coverage in Times Square or hearing the testimonies of thousands of people in the virtual march on wall street, they will show the hundreds of people getting arrested for expressing their human right to stand up against tyranny!!!!

why?

If one feels that the treasons of wall street are so great,
How can one not become enraged?
If their home has been taken and their livelihood shattered,
Their children's lives altered negatively,
How can one not become saddened by the state of affairs?
Right now there is an undefined movement,
Created doubt where the media has left a void,
People see the occupy wall street as a joke,
Conservatives reduce its meaning to a laughing matter and yet still thousands join the movement,
Why is it OK that home loans became an instrument for a certain few to get rich by way of deceit and predatory tactics?
It is not OK but what is to be done?
How can a few little people, strained by a new society different than that of their ancestors,
become the instrument for change?
I do not have the answer.
It is complex, deep, secluded from the movement because there is so much to bitch about that it is hard to find just one thing!
It is hard for me to reduce the Occupy Wall St as a joke that deserves conservative analysis, mindless detached analysis,
It is small now, scattered people, scattered ideas trying to find a conclusion,
Trying to find a meaning, maybe also trying to just find an answer,
Maybe it is the greed of the wealthiest citizens of this nation that take and take from the bucket,
and do not give,
They give corporate galas, fundraisers, parties, museum donations, charity auctions and charity fundraisers,
Yet the real problems require intense Action, such as the reform of the education system,
The reform of the government as a whole to separate it from the control of corporations,
Caution is not a factor, tolerance has been tolerated for too long.

right to live YOUR life

I know that the basis for my beliefs is that all people have a right to live their life, believe what they want, and be whatever they want to be. Meaning: If somebody is gay, I am not offended, I do not feel they owe an explanation to myself or the rest of society, nor do I think that a homosexual deserves to be ostracisized from society for their sexual preference. I do not believe gay people are sexual deviants, I do not feel that gay people have a choice in what their sexual preference is. If someone is gay they are gay and there is no hiding it. Even if a man is married for 20 years and has children and maybe even grandchildren and he is truly gay it will come out. He will not live his entire life in the lie of being married to a woman. Denying one their right to their sexual preference is like denying their right to breath. Another example: I am fascinated by people whom make no excuses for their life, their beliefs, regardless of what others may say or do to them. The person who can be totally open about what is in their mind is the person who can understand themselves and the world around them better. Fear comes from that which we do not know. Fear of the unknown is the driving force behind many issues in America today. Religion in America has a tinge of fear to it because if one is not religious it is almost impossible to get someone who is to believe that you are a rational person. So fear is created for people who are not adherent to God and christianity of any kind. There is fear on the end of the religious toward the non-religious and vise-versa. Back to the concept of being what you are. Isn't it a lie if one does not live to what they feel inside they are as a person? Isn't it a blatant lie to ones self if they do not adhere to their own indoctrinations about life and the world around them. All this is coming from my crazy mind of course as some may say but really my point is directed toward those who judge others, those who do not keep an open mind, those who view people who are different from them as bad. My obsession lately has been: Why do human beings hold judgement for those who are what they are: gay, handicapped, disabled, psycholgically or physically impaired in anyway, all people, all categories and types??? Why is there a fear in this country to accept. Not reject. I am sure people could refute me and say that this there is no problem and I am negative and overreacting yet think about this, why don't we focus on fixing problems instead of worrying about if a woman does with her body what she pleases. Issues in the government have been stalemated because of this issues alone. Abortion. I can see the points of prolife supporters, the positive points are many, yet our bodies are like our opinions, they are what they are and they are there for us to do with them as we wish. I don't even know who I am writing too but I know that I have to get this out. Logic in my mind is scarce right now when it comes to my opiniosn regarding sorting them and finding hat to use to present to the world.

just some thoughts 9-26-12

If we let it go and stay this way
Our eyes will close forever and the world will stop
The sea washes away the scattered remains of consumerism,
Our earth screams for love, acceptance,
and gives us nothing but sustanance in return
The air catches our scattered pollution
and distributes it throughout the sustaining earth
making great care to give to all
there is constant give from the earth but constant take from its inhabitants
Human intervention is the cause and the solution
and yet we watch the news and the latest story is the royal wedding, the arrest of the latest corporate goon,
The treatment of the earth is a reflection of the treatment of human suffering
capturing the latest famine in Sudan, the war in Libya, the war of Israel and Palestine, is not enough to ease the enormity of it,
Just watching is not enough to help
We can not go in and we just have to watch as the world takes on more and more heavy, deepening contradiction,
As we conserve and recycle, billions of pounds of garbage remain
as we send food thousands of babies die
as we buy our diamonds, our clothes, our cars, our houses,
people die in the name of freedom, in the name of allah, in the name of God,
as we buy our houses someone else is losing theirs,
before they even move out someone is moving in.
when one inch of progress is made there is a detrimental reality waiting to block it.

sustainability

It is kind of a hard word to say and spell yet it is a very important word in our world today. There are truly hundreds of companies who research and support sustainability from corporate and human to environmental. Let's call sustainability something else from now on because it is such a difficult word to type over and over again. Let's call it: long term, basically, how to make things last. That is all it is anyways right? People researching how to make things last. Let's face it if one does not know how to make a corporation last it will fail hence why people need things such as long term , how to make things last, research analysts whom pay scientists, and many other people to promote long term effectiveness. What about long term effectiveness in long term environmental solutions?

Long term goals for our earth for instance are researched and analyzed by hundreds of people who have PHD's in environmental areas of study, such as marine biology or those scientists who study litter in the ocean, I can't remember what they are called. Anyways, millions of dollars is put into answering the question : How do we make the earth last? Well you can probably think of many solutions off the top of your head that would help the earth. So can I, stop littering so the ocean can be clean so the sea animals and fish can have sustainability, stop littering so the giant hundred mile long rings of garbage in the ocean can start to maybe be eliminated. Not littering is at the top of my list for sure. But what about the rain forests, extinct animals and plants, the oceans fish which are literally, no pun intended, being fished off of the earth.

What about the pollution which is giving people cancer in China? What about the logging operations which not everywhere, but in a lot of places, are stealing animals homes and forcing them to move or die. Wow we humans are pretty apt to kick anyone or anything out of whatever we think is ours. I know we live in our modern day and we have our cell phones and our computers, which I am using right now!, and our nice clothes, our nice cars, we have all our manmade prized possessions at our disposal and all we have to do to is not litter or find ways to better dispose of our waste and we don't do it. Instead we, humans, hire people to figure out what went wrong, what we can do better, and all the while the real problems are in our faces. If you thought I was joking about the rings of waste in the worlds oceans, look it up. It is a real thing. Our toothbrushes, hairbrushes, milk jugs, pop bottles, nail files, computer and cell phone batteries, and other parts, we can't recycle everything. Can you imagine how many people in the world own toothbrushes, or drink from milk cartons, or use nail files, or throw away cell phone and computer parts. That is just the beginning. Why not be aware?

I figure the more I know the more I am armed with to go out against the world we live in. The world that has it granduers, it's chaos, it's beauty, and it's pain.....And littering doesn't just mean the little gum wrapper you throw out the car window either, we are littering all the waste we use everyday all over the earth. I am guilty, you are guilty, now how can we all live a little smarter? I think just by educating your self, you get smarter: get it.

discovery

unscripted
unbridled
crafty in my delivery
constant mind maneuvers
go on all the time
given the chance
to be one with another
Going far to the farthest reaches to discover
what? Not yet known.
constant thoughts, deep feelings
unscripted, unbridled
given the chance,
to go far to the farthest reaches to discover.

the stream

all water in the world
eventually makes it to the ocean
even the smallest stream
to the largest lake makes it to the roaring ocean someday
from the African Savannah to Cambodia to China, what happens when the cycle ends
when all the beautiful moist cherished gold is gone
and those places where woman search all day for water for their children, when that last drop is gone
It is gone forever
all the water in the world goes in a cycle and gradually it is diminishing
and the water that is there in some places
is not good enough
it is not pure enough, or clean enough, it may as well not even be there
the Ganges River is a holy river and now it is a holy polluted river
it's water cannot sustain anyone
It can only be holy water for the holy
even water now is commercialized as we drink it from our stores in our bottles
then we throw them away and the very places that have no water or have bad water get to suffer
as we throw our plastic away
that holds our water

a person can live longer without water than they can without food.

check out this link to learn more about water shortages throughout the world.

www.water.org copy and paste it into your browser

common thread

it starts with a needle and thread. goes through the fabric needle point first. then back through it over and over again. each swoop of the needle requires the connection of the needle through the thread....constantly connected and all started from one point. the thread never breaks and constantly moves through itself. this is like life this is like the world.