addicted

so addicted
beyond repair
There is no recovery
This addiction I feel is off the charts
Gives my body a scare
As I become entranced
In you

My heart beats steady
Yet you are wild
You balance me out
And give me excitement
I am so addicted beyond repair
Ride or Die addicted
It's not fair

I want to know you
Where you are and why
I want to fix your day
With my lips and thighs
I need to feel you on my skin
and then I can close my eyes

It is pure addiction
Addicted to your body, your mind,
I am addicted to the way you show me who's boss
I am addicted to the bad boy in your ways
It is beyond repair
There is no coming back
I take a hit and hold it in
When you go inside me

This is out of control
What do I do?
Beyond repair and I can't let go
I fear I am at risk of letting things go
To please you and keep you
I feel an urge to fight for you, cry for you, laugh for you, and love for you
I feel an urge to fight if I have to and belong to you

I am addicted
From the first night
I have been in your shadow
Ready to give you whatever you need
My body, My eyes, My thighs, my lips, I have been yours
And I feel too deeply to break this and let go.

my mind

my mind is racing 20 times faster than my body
At all times
There isn't a moment when it's not racing
And driving me mad at the same time
It drives me nuts
And spins even more out of control
At all times
I am destined to be trapped here forever
Just my mind and me
Spending quality time
Getting to know each other
Becoming one
Wait? Are we supposed to be already?
Me and my mind...
Are we supposed to be one?
On common ground,
Never separated?
My mind is racing 20 times faster than my body
It may explode
Then my thoughts would be just floating in the air
for all to see
Trapped no more.

no peace in a wanting life

there isn't a moment when I am not thinking about the next move,
But deep down I want to be at peace,
There is no peace in a rushing mind,
That perceives the world too fully,
Too deeply,
So deep that others back away,
The next move is a dream,
It will be achieved,
It is believed,
It is lived everyday,
In dreams,
There isn't a moment when completion is met,
No more wanting no more fret
There is no peace in a rushing life.

not sure

can i grow as a person

and still remain me

is life stolen or does it remain free

we see a future there may be no future there

there is if you make it

remain true to yourself don't give in to the wrong

bad things consume us....

given

If we were given it all like this new generation is

Everyone would be spoiled not just the new ones

Kids think they know so much

But know nothing

Texting takes place of conversation

Everything is impersonal

Nothing is secret and pure

Noone confides in their neighbors anymore because of this crazy world we live in

Grown adults won't even confide in their grown adult kids

Me Me Me

Thats all we are teaching this new generation

I remember the feelings of safety that came along with the world when I was a kid

Yes bads things happened and I was in the mind of a child but the bad things that happen now have to do with the whole world, not just a neighborhood....

outdoors

Peace

Tranquil

The river brings sustanance yet its broken from what is used to be

Beauty flows down river

Along with the current

That carries ducks and fish away

Looking down the river carries more than ducks and fish

It carries tranquility, memories, wishes, desires...

While looking down the river those thoughts flow seemlessly

Peace flows down river

Peace is not in plastic improvement, nor in larger endowments

It is in the flowing river and the chirping bird

The green grass and the stamping herd

The ebb of the horizon

Is also the ebb of our existence

Tranquility will not come through endless pairs of shoes, shiny cars, and pockets overflowing

It will not

It will come though the cemetery at night

While the shadows of animals are mistaken for spirits

Tranquility is attainable through the shell on the beach

It has floated a million miles to get to someone's feet

The bird and the whale all wish to live free

If they can't? Why should we?

Silhouettes of mocking birds,

Tigers and leopards charging their score

these things to view and admire can bring tranquility

Viewing nature is at a loss

Noone cares about the white horse riding in the distance

Noone cares for the little toad...hopping over sticks and through streams....

The children do,

and they know that we all once loved these things.

life is just life

I realize that life is never going to be perfect,

When I was younger I thought that one day life would fall into place,

And become perfect,

But I see that life is not that way,

Life is just life,

It's raw and unforgiving at times,

But we still move on,

It's great and wonderful at times,

But just as when it is raw and unforgiving, we move on,

There is no stopping for good or bad,

Moving on means accepting things as they are,

We have to accept things that happen whether they are forgiving or unforgiving,

Life goes on,

Society will never be perfect and life will never be perfect,

It could be perfectly flawed but never flawlessly perfect,

Nothing can ever be flawlessly perfect,

Moving on means

man and his thoughts

The day was dark and furious but there was a serene feeling deep inside the hole of Serena. No way could the day have started anymore oddly beautiful. Tiny drops of dew lay along the window, sliding down as the day began with a ferocious thunder. She wondered if she would see him today as every other day. Perched on the wall off of 5th Avenue just staring at people and trying to figure them out. One day he had actually jumped off to observe someone a little closer and he almost scared the woman who was walking by with her child. This man was not offensive looking in his khaki shorts, and yellow t shirt that said "save the bees" yet he had a weirdness about him that made her scared to ask him what she had always wanted to ask him.

For some reason she knew deep inside that if she spoke with this man that he would no doubt end up being some kind of serial stalker. He was so interesting. Maybe it was the spontaneity that he showed as he caressed peoples facial profiles with his eyes and wondered whether or not they cared that he was staring at them. Serena built up the nerve to approach him on this thunderous day and ask him what he was trying to see in others? Was it his life's goal to sit here atop this perch of superiority or maybe he felt the perch was one of reflection and unattachment from the norm? Either way she had to know and on her way to work when she turned the corner onto his street he wasn't there.

For some reasons deep in her gut she felt panic start to form. As she walked by the spot where he stared into people's souls she spotted a small piece of paper lying on the concrete stub: The perch. She read the paper and then she looked around her as if she knew he was there staring at her from a distance. She stuffed the paper into her pocket and continued on her way to work.

To be continued...

the abandoned part of me

perceptions of reality

are jaded

messed up

blurred

I see one thing and turn it into something else

I think too much

too much thought

perceptions are turned around

before the thought even enters my mind

it comes from the past

There is a line

That was crossed

Long ago

and there is no going back

from here

The perceptions I perceive play tricks on me

and I see what the abandoned part of me lets me see.

relationship conondrums

     I don't really know why but it seems that I ruin every single relationship I have been in. Or I am cutting the other person way too much slack and taking on all the relationship failure to myself. I can't pinpoint where I go from the fun sexy girlfriend to the mousy-oh baby I need you, girlfriend. It's weird and I am getting sick of it. I am so big on being the kind of gf that a man wants, not being a bitch, not nagging him every second-but here I go--completely ruining my relationship because I can't suck it the fuck up and get out of his ass. There is not much of a reason except maybe my "daddy issues". My need for male attention and my habit of falling all in love when I don't even really know the person I am becoming attached to. Which therefore, means it is not love.
     I set no requirements or expectations. I let myself become a complete relationship hostage because I don't allow myself to worry about the most important person--myself. I worry too much about my significant other and this pushes him away. I honestly do not think he really likes me now that we had a baby and he started working all day again. Maybe I was spoiled when he didn't work and now I am just being a spoiled brat about it. I could be completely overreacting in my assumptions that he can't stand me or thinking that he doesn't want to be here.
     I get that he is not emotional and is a "comes as he is guy", a free spirit--a can't hold him down kind of guy. I knew this when I first met him and he hasn't really become much different. Just less wanting to be with me and more time claiming he is working. Which seems excessive and things don't add up at all. Am I a complete moron who fails to see the signs I am being played, or am I actually just depressed and insecure? It's pretty much a blur and if I have ever learned anything in life it is that my gut instincts are usually right. I have been burned (haven't we all?), I have been a fool in a relationship.
     My mind is so indecisive that it drives me nuts. Maybe I can't withstand the pressure of being alone with a baby all the time. With no adults to speak to. Maybe I just want one hour of time without a phone call or text getting in the way. Maybe I want some compromise when it comes to discussing US and what is going on. We were just starting to connect and then bam!: I got pregnant. What could be more life changing than that shit? Right?
     If I said I wasn't scared i'd be lying but I am also capable and so is he. I am not innocent in life either and I know that. I have done things I regret. A lot of things! ugh..but now here I sit--doing it all right and still not feeling complete. Still not feeling how I should feel right now. I don't feel wanted, loved, or anything except by my children and maybe that is the big secret. They love my unconditionally. How can I be almost 30 and still so insecure about what should be a mature relationship? How can one woman hold so much pain from what has been done to her over her life that it comes out as a basis to never have a real relationship in her life?
     I would love to able to answer those questions. I would love to be able to understand what the fuck is going on in my head. It is causing this situation to come to a head before it even starts. Along with a man that is emotionally unavailable. Not a good combo. Without even fantasizing about what could be I know what will possibly be. That is the scary part. No matter what I have to continue to make a life for myself without relying on someone else. I need to contribute. If I contribute than I get to make decisions. and then the question will be-Will he be open to that?-Or will it be too much.