Through everything I have remained calm

I have remained calm through most occasions in my life. There have never been any flip outs or outrages, atleast major ones, that I can think of. Ofcourse I have been in arguments but I am referring to the moment after a trauma or crisis when most people have the sudden breakdown that is necessary at that moment. I have never expressed pain, fear, depression, or any horrible emotion I have been feeling for the last 11 years. I can not explain the pain, fear, or depression to anyone except that it is deep inside. I am happy yet depressed. I have finally accepted the fact that I am not going to just let go of old feelings with a shrug of the shoulders because I can't. There is no way. I tell myself things that people probably should not tell themselves. Considering that negative self talk is the worst thing one can do to themselves. It can take years to reverse the negative things that we tell ourselves. For instance, when I feel fat or whatever, I tell myself, you are so fat.....When something happens where I make a mistake or don't do something I am supposed to do, then I tell myself I am stupid. It's not right. and It's not something I am particularly proud of. Ignorance is bliss and isn't it more easy in life to deny issues. Posty Traumatic Stress Disorder is pretty serious and it affects millions of people everyday. It affects our soldiers coming home from war in Iraq, or that have come home from WWI, WWII, Vietnam, Desert Storm. It affects rape victims, assault victims, people that have suffered a loss in their lives due to murder or drug overdoses or whatever else you can think of. It is serious. There are so many ways that a person can close themselves off to the world and make it look like their ok while they keep closing and closing and closing themselves off. You know how they say when a person is a functional alcoholic, their family and friends will view him/her as not being that bad because they work, go to school, have families and take care of them. Somebody who functions with a mental illness is exactly like someone who functions with long term alcoholism. Actions become addicting instead of the alcohol though. The agony of knowing that there is a problem but are helpless to fix it. A person can be addicted to their own disorders, whether mental or physical. Actually I mentioned a second ago about letting go of old feelings, most of them are not old they are new stemming from old and back again like a regret that just keeps thowing itself in your face day after day. Most disorderly feelings come just out of nowhere. People say oh its normal, I know how you feel, or whatever, but everyone knows or atleast should know that no two people are exactly alike. My mental disorder could be your everyday life. Well I do not want it to be my everyday life. I am up and down, outside myself and in, on this side and that, and the most frustrating thing is that I thought when my life was like it is now I thought that was going to erase whatever used to be there but still remains. I thought finding a man and I love and want to be faithful to was going to make me all better. I thought reaching my goals, HAVING SET GOALS, was going solve it. I thought knowing my morals, values, and where I want to be with my education was going to just magically make my thoughts, regrets, and feelings change so I can think differently. you may be saying well give me an example, ok i'll come back and write more because I can't think of any while I am trying to. lol/././.