Allyvia Rose

I love teaching her and watching her and being near her everyday,

I love seeing her eyes smile when she likes what I say,

I love how she walks around with not a worry in the world,

I love the stream of happiness she leaves wherever she walks,

My dear sweet Allyvia Rose,

You wake up my world everyday,

You know my sadness and happiness too,

You feel with me,

Hear with me and experience my world,

I love watching you walk into school,

Or perhaps should I say run,

You run to learn, You love to learn,

You get that from me....

I love to see how you react to bad things in the world and especially the good things,

I love to see your face when you know what I will say,

I remember my childhood,

I remember everything you do is what I used to do,

I ran to school, I was eager to learn,

I never faltered from what I was, I was just me,

I love how you are just you,

No excuses, there could never be an excuse,

I love you so much,

Cliche, but I do,

I love you all the way to the farthest away paradise in the farthest extensions of the outer universe.....more than that.....more than I could ever try to put into poetic words.

Go go go thats all we do, we want more and more and more
without giving ourselves the truth
We do not need more and more and more
We need less....we are spoiled little kids who when we don't get our way, we are mad at the world
The world that already thinks poorly of us anyways,
go go go and more more more
what happens when there is no more, what happens when those who have never wanted or needed for anything suddeny; have to ask for help or even beg
That day may come
That day may be the day that we finally change things around.

beautiful lady

I have known you since childhood,
Always respected you and loved you so,
But as I grew older I saw the side of you that showed me who you really are,
A wonderful woman inside and out,
You preserve your youth and never make a big deal about getting older,
My daughter's first experience with chocolate was with you!
She loved it and that day you grew close and stayed so.....
You have so many little ones around you but you still manage to remember all the names and all the birthdates of every one, I can't even remember my own sometimes....haha
Your faith is strong but you never pushed it on anyone else you just knew your beliefs and that was good enough,
No matter what people thought or said or did you always stayed Aunt Viv,
No matter the hardship,
You stayed as we all will remember you, honest and good........
I look up now even though my beliefs are different than yours,
I know you are surrounding those you love and giving them strength through your memories...I love you rest in peace,
we all know someday that in death we will be with you again, we are with you in spirit now in soul and when we die, which is inevitable,
I will hug you again and tell I love you.

Through everything I have remained calm

I have remained calm through most occasions in my life. There have never been any flip outs or outrages, atleast major ones, that I can think of. Ofcourse I have been in arguments but I am referring to the moment after a trauma or crisis when most people have the sudden breakdown that is necessary at that moment. I have never expressed pain, fear, depression, or any horrible emotion I have been feeling for the last 11 years. I can not explain the pain, fear, or depression to anyone except that it is deep inside. I am happy yet depressed. I have finally accepted the fact that I am not going to just let go of old feelings with a shrug of the shoulders because I can't. There is no way. I tell myself things that people probably should not tell themselves. Considering that negative self talk is the worst thing one can do to themselves. It can take years to reverse the negative things that we tell ourselves. For instance, when I feel fat or whatever, I tell myself, you are so fat.....When something happens where I make a mistake or don't do something I am supposed to do, then I tell myself I am stupid. It's not right. and It's not something I am particularly proud of. Ignorance is bliss and isn't it more easy in life to deny issues. Posty Traumatic Stress Disorder is pretty serious and it affects millions of people everyday. It affects our soldiers coming home from war in Iraq, or that have come home from WWI, WWII, Vietnam, Desert Storm. It affects rape victims, assault victims, people that have suffered a loss in their lives due to murder or drug overdoses or whatever else you can think of. It is serious. There are so many ways that a person can close themselves off to the world and make it look like their ok while they keep closing and closing and closing themselves off. You know how they say when a person is a functional alcoholic, their family and friends will view him/her as not being that bad because they work, go to school, have families and take care of them. Somebody who functions with a mental illness is exactly like someone who functions with long term alcoholism. Actions become addicting instead of the alcohol though. The agony of knowing that there is a problem but are helpless to fix it. A person can be addicted to their own disorders, whether mental or physical. Actually I mentioned a second ago about letting go of old feelings, most of them are not old they are new stemming from old and back again like a regret that just keeps thowing itself in your face day after day. Most disorderly feelings come just out of nowhere. People say oh its normal, I know how you feel, or whatever, but everyone knows or atleast should know that no two people are exactly alike. My mental disorder could be your everyday life. Well I do not want it to be my everyday life. I am up and down, outside myself and in, on this side and that, and the most frustrating thing is that I thought when my life was like it is now I thought that was going to erase whatever used to be there but still remains. I thought finding a man and I love and want to be faithful to was going to make me all better. I thought reaching my goals, HAVING SET GOALS, was going solve it. I thought knowing my morals, values, and where I want to be with my education was going to just magically make my thoughts, regrets, and feelings change so I can think differently. you may be saying well give me an example, ok i'll come back and write more because I can't think of any while I am trying to. lol/././.

let it be

catching the rays of love sunk down upon the ground
every catch is apparent to be woozy
falling into the sunken love on the ground
the quick sand of it is enormous
can love sink but still be there sunken in the ground?
cast away the deep and let it be
deep thoughts keep the mind going, going too much, too fast, too long, too much
know this::::::::::: it is not a joke
don't give away that which you love
don't be scared of it either
let love be
let it go if need be
but while it is alive or sometimes dead
let it be..............

American dreams

Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me:

Is there such a thing as free speech when at times of warfare people are silenced?

Is there such a thing as that when a man cannot be gay in the military: don't ask don't tell?

Is there such a thing as that when a person can oppose homosexuality in public but a man/woman opposing abortion is not stopped?

free speech exists until a person becomes a politician?

He/she must be conscious of every word.

free speech exists until one becomes the professor at a university or high school,

How can a nation go on with traitors in their midst who could defame the American name?

First Amendment: the right to free speech, freedom of the press

Freedom of the Press gives the power to one or many to dictate information.

Is this good or bad?

Freedom of the Press gives one or many the right to give it as they see it

reporters and journalists have a bias and this is a fact,

whoever they work for is their bias

It depends on the newspaper or magazine but whoever it is they all have on goal,

To sway people's thoughts and feelings one way or another,

story:
A dual-language school opens in NYC. There are already dual language schools pertaining to Chinese Americans, Mexican Americans, and this new one was to be Arab-American dual language. This was not a religious school, strictly developed to assist Arab American children in learning to speak English, along with otrher things that were not religion related. Debbie Almontaser was the appointed principal. Immediately the right wing extremists here in America attacked the school for being terrorist relatd and and of being an Islamic school which it was clearly not. This woman lost her job due to journalists who twisted her words and made her out to be a terrorist, that and a t-shirt killed her career. all because of a right wing journalist.....This is not the only example of things like this but you get the point....

In America we can be whatever we want whenever we want.....

In America we can speak out against racism, discrimination, and poverty, and injustice...

.But in America we cannot oppose war.....we cannot go against our government when it all comes down to it..

....Republican National Convention::2004

Protestors to the Iraq War gathered in NYC, home to the convention and were going to march for their views against the war.....

within 5 mins literally, the protestors were silenced.....police blockaded them and trapped them behind mesh orange lining that seemed to be especially made for the occasion.......

like a wall against the infidels who choose to go against their leaders and speak out against the regime....

NO this is not like a country that kills whoever speaks out against them but it is pretty sad when people cannot even carry a sign in the street in silence without being suppressed.

People can speak out against someone being a homosexual out in the open... yet we have to be quiet when our young African American's are being pulled over and searched because of the color of their skin...

obviously it does not happen every day of the week but lets face it it is a reality.....

People can worship their god in public catholic shrines.....outdoors..

...yet if one was to say that they did not believe in God they would be reprimanded openly, in public....

.freedom has constraints..........

freedom is overrated if you ask me........

outdoors

Peace
Tranquil
The river brings sustanance yet its broken from what is used to be
Beauty flows down river
Along with the current
That carries ducks and fish away
Looking down the river carries more than ducks and fish
It carries souls, memories, wishes, desires...
While looking down the river those thoughts flow seemlessly
Peace flows down river
Peace is not in plastic improvement, nor in larger endowments
It is in the flowing river and the chirping bird
The green grass and the stamping herd
The ebb of the horizon
Is also the ebb of our existence
Tranquility will not come through endless pairs of shoes, shiny cars, and pockets overflowing
It will not
It will come though the cemetery at night
While the shadows of animals are mistaken for spirits
Tranquility is attainable through the shell on the beach
It has floated a million miles to get to someone's feet
The bird and the whale all wish to live free
If they can't? Why should we?
Silhouettes of mocking birds,
Tigers and leopards charging their score
these things to view and admire can bring tranquility
Viewing nature is at a loss
Noone cares about the white horse riding in the distance
Noone cares for the little toad...hopping over sticks and through streams....
The children do,
and they know that we all once loved these things.

calm

This period is calming

The strategy is successful

What I need to figure out now is
What comes next?

Is there a dynamic?

That chooses the next phase

Is there a certain excuse if the path brings shame?

No,

There is no certain dynamic or phase

It all comes: unmistakedly comes

There is no gestation of promises

No dream of false hope

The hope and dream is me

ME

This period is calming

This period of knowing the acheivement is near

Knowing all this is worth it

The strategy is successful.

only existing

does time have to go so fast
so much about time is relative
to some time moves slowly
to some there is not enough
to some time is only existing for them
but the reality is we exist for time
it does not stop because we lose someone
it doesn't reverse so we can go back and make the right choice
when the wrong one was made
do people control time? or does time control us?
so much, no everything, about time is relative
who understands time?
nobody I feel does
we all exist in it and form it to what we need
we mold time around our lives
no
time molds around us
which is it?
time is relative
do we all see now?
to some it is a horrible reminder of what they do not have
to some it is a deep beginning to new eras
new experiences
time is so broad
there is no explaining
I could try all day
but there is no argument that time is relative
it is purely a complete adaptation of comfort
It is a neverending reminder of everything we are individually.

Trapped

If anyone can be trapped in their own mind
That one is me
Trapped above and below what is wrong and right
I know the difference
Haven't I always?
Change is all around me
Unstopping and pure and
damn it's just everywhere
and noone can hide from it
Noone can stop it
It is consuming all of America
All of the world
Change that will require understanding and self control
Change that will open others eyes to how shit should really be
It subsides next to what people have always known
and it is truth hidden behind
all the lies
If anyone can be trapped in their own mind, it's me,
Because of knaowing aspects of this world that noone will acknowledge
Some will not openly accept change
The ones who challenge it
Are scared of what will result from
From knowing about everything we are never taught by those that are supposed to teach it.

I cry

I cry sometimes when I watch the news,
This state is done
We are all doomed
What am I going to do?
I cry sometimes when I drive through Flint
I can't even go there anymore
I am way too literal and and way too analytical
And I can't control it
Especially not now
Seriously I cry when I wathc the news,
Who does that?
I have no clue
I tell people what I am doing with my future
And people criticize and put it down
I say I want to teach inner city kids how to read and write,
I want to take my knowledge, experience, and education
And do something meaningful with it all
\I don't want to teach rich ungrateful brats
I want to mold the mionds that don't know better yet,
Not the ones that know and don't care
I cry when I see suffering around the world,
Who does that?
I am almost to the point of making a noticeable difference,
I make one now but.........
It is only in the form of words and mind
Soon it will be action
I cry at strange times
Who does that?
I am condemned for my morals and beliefs,
Who puts up with that,
Without blowing their brains out?
I have no clue,
But it's ok,
I am way too analytical and literal
But thgere is nothing I can do.

laughing, beautiful children have to grow

To give fault to one in a family is wrong,

Not one person is at fault,

But all within can find ways to make things better,

Relationships fail, whether family or not,

People fail, no matter who loves them or how much they are loved,

The conclusion drawn from childhood is that family is the entity from which success is formed,

But who thinks of family the same anymore,

There are cousins living with sisters who live with Uncles and Aunts

There are brothers and Great Neices singing the same chant,

There are step children living with grand parents of their step parent,

There are children all over the world who live with Grandparents,

Family is not the same which means our institutions must change,

The acceptance of the new rules brings greater understanding within ourselves,

There are black with white, Chinese with Mexican, Japanese with Salvadorian, Indian with Canadian,

You know I can go one forever,

Don't we always learn to embrace change,

Leap over it and overcome, come out on top,

Yet there are some values that seem to never die down,

The meaning of family is changing,

There are people who grew up with all their family close,

They then are deprived of those same people,

Because of change;;;;;because of family changes

Divorce and deceit,

Love that never flourished just died,

a bratty teenager who just needs a ride down life's possibilities,

Deprivation is not having what you love, Like starving children not getting some meat,

Like a man with no water stuck in the desert heat,

Not having what was once had little children who you watch grow then are gone,

In a flash,

Love doesn't die, life just changes,

People don't cry for their loved ones without changes

sadness can be the event of life for those who lose their laughing, beautiful, children that have to grow,,

and change.