relationship conondrums

     I don't really know why but it seems that I ruin every single relationship I have been in. Or I am cutting the other person way too much slack and taking on all the relationship failure to myself. I can't pinpoint where I go from the fun sexy girlfriend to the mousy-oh baby I need you, girlfriend. It's weird and I am getting sick of it. I am so big on being the kind of gf that a man wants, not being a bitch, not nagging him every second-but here I go--completely ruining my relationship because I can't suck it the fuck up and get out of his ass. There is not much of a reason except maybe my "daddy issues". My need for male attention and my habit of falling all in love when I don't even really know the person I am becoming attached to. Which therefore, means it is not love.
     I set no requirements or expectations. I let myself become a complete relationship hostage because I don't allow myself to worry about the most important person--myself. I worry too much about my significant other and this pushes him away. I honestly do not think he really likes me now that we had a baby and he started working all day again. Maybe I was spoiled when he didn't work and now I am just being a spoiled brat about it. I could be completely overreacting in my assumptions that he can't stand me or thinking that he doesn't want to be here.
     I get that he is not emotional and is a "comes as he is guy", a free spirit--a can't hold him down kind of guy. I knew this when I first met him and he hasn't really become much different. Just less wanting to be with me and more time claiming he is working. Which seems excessive and things don't add up at all. Am I a complete moron who fails to see the signs I am being played, or am I actually just depressed and insecure? It's pretty much a blur and if I have ever learned anything in life it is that my gut instincts are usually right. I have been burned (haven't we all?), I have been a fool in a relationship.
     My mind is so indecisive that it drives me nuts. Maybe I can't withstand the pressure of being alone with a baby all the time. With no adults to speak to. Maybe I just want one hour of time without a phone call or text getting in the way. Maybe I want some compromise when it comes to discussing US and what is going on. We were just starting to connect and then bam!: I got pregnant. What could be more life changing than that shit? Right?
     If I said I wasn't scared i'd be lying but I am also capable and so is he. I am not innocent in life either and I know that. I have done things I regret. A lot of things! ugh..but now here I sit--doing it all right and still not feeling complete. Still not feeling how I should feel right now. I don't feel wanted, loved, or anything except by my children and maybe that is the big secret. They love my unconditionally. How can I be almost 30 and still so insecure about what should be a mature relationship? How can one woman hold so much pain from what has been done to her over her life that it comes out as a basis to never have a real relationship in her life?
     I would love to able to answer those questions. I would love to be able to understand what the fuck is going on in my head. It is causing this situation to come to a head before it even starts. Along with a man that is emotionally unavailable. Not a good combo. Without even fantasizing about what could be I know what will possibly be. That is the scary part. No matter what I have to continue to make a life for myself without relying on someone else. I need to contribute. If I contribute than I get to make decisions. and then the question will be-Will he be open to that?-Or will it be too much.